We didn’t have a ton of money growing up, so instead of going to the movie theatre, we would have movie nights at home. Pa made delicious popcorn, perfectly buttered and salted. Ma borrowed movies from the library. A roaring fire in the fireplace to make it cozy. The only hiccup was the choice of movie. Pa enjoyed escapist action movies. Ma preferred high-brow movies. I found ‘pow pow’ movies tedious but Ma’s taste in movies was too out there: she once excitedly took Pa and I to an exclusive viewing of a subtitled Hungarian movie about a woman who lived through failed abortion. Ma sat rapt, Pa fell asleep in the darkened theatre, and I was outraged: how was this depressing movie the best use of any of our time??

Yes, choosing a movie that would appeal to all three of us was not easy. One day Ma stumbled upon A Fish Called Wanda at the library. Frozen pizza was made, the room set, and off we went. Pa, tired from his exhausting physical labor as a welder, more often than not, would fall asleep during movie night. Not this time. Twice, we had to pause the tape because his laughter was so loud, it was drowned the TV (the ‘Don’t Call me Stupid’ scene and the ‘Dancing Around Naked Singing Russian’ scene). During the ‘Contrasting Bedroom Scene’ (transcribed below, with a video clip), Pa chocked on his own laughter, and had to stand up from his recliner, to take deep, calming breaths. The sound of him shouting with surprised laughter is one of my favorite memories of him.

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I always assumed screenplays would be big elaborate things – hundreds of pages of A1 letter-sized paper. Telephone books of scribbles. Not true! A Fish Called Wanda’s script is 101 pages in small paperback format and contains 148 scenes (‘cuts’). The film is 108 minutes long: less than 1 page per minute and an average of 1.4 cuts per minute.

Reading the script was interesting: similar to any play, it showcases the golden rule of writing “show, don’t tell”. Because it relies on dialogue and brief instructions regarding the location, the medium doesn’t allow for any telling. The entire story is understood through the audience’s observations of the characters actions. A challenging writing exercise!

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Afterword: This is my favorite sequence in the whole movie, the scene that caused my father to choke on his own laughter. 4.5 pages of script + 16 cuts = 3 minutes of hilarity. There is nothing on screen that isn’t in the script: reading through the sequencing of the cuts is, in and of itself, very funny. However, by comparing the words on the page to the film itself, we see clearly how the actors’ choices in interpretation bring the characters to life. I read Archie’s “oh dear” on paper as reluctance at finding himself stuck once again in adolescent familial discord. Yet in the video, Archie’s dry “oh dear” is an indictment of his wife’s self-centeredness and made me snort with recognition.

I encourage everyone to find the screenplay of their favorite movie and read it before rewarding the film. It’s a fascinating exercise that leads to a deeper appreciation of the workmanship that goes into these stories.

38. Interior. Otto’s pad. Night.

Otto is standing in front of a large mirror doing Tai-Chi with a Japanese sword to some loud Venetian gondolier music. Wanda lets herself in.

WANDA (speaking loudly over the music). He’s pleading ‘not guilty’. So you’re safe until the trial. Leach doesn’t think he did it. Ken says there’s a safe-deposit box key but only George knows where it is.

Otto continues Tai-Chi.

Thank you, Wanda.

She stomps across the room and throws herself on the bed. She opens People magazine.

What have you found out?

OTTO. Not a lot…

WANDA. You realize he’s in court tomorrow.

OTTO. I know. I know that!

WANDA. So nothing, huh?

OTTO (about to thrust the sword into the chest of a dummy). Nix, Zip. Diddly. (He pauses in mid swoop). Niente.

Wanda reacts.

Cut to:

41. Interior. Archie’s bedroom. Night.

Portia is complaining to Wendy, who sits at her dressing table, smearing on cold cream.

PORTIA. Oh, it’s too big…

WENDY. No it isn’t Portia.

PORTIA. It is, it’s enormous.

WENDY. No it isn’t.

PORTIA. Oh, please, mother.

WENDY. No, absolutely not.

PORTIA. I’m so miserable and you just don’t care.

WENDY. Do shut up, Portia. All I get, all day, is people complaining to me.

Portia runs out. Archie is sitting on the bed reading a brief.

ARCHIE. Oh dear…

Cut to:

40. Interior. Otto’s pad. Night.

Otto sniffs his armpit and undoes his belt buckle dramatically.

OTTO. Ecco l’uomo.

Cut to:

41. Interior. Archie’s bedroom. Night.

Archie and Wendy, sitting on their individual single beds with their backs to one another, start to undress.

Cut to:

42. Interior. Otto’s pad. Night.

Wanda takes off her jacket. Otto takes off his headband.

Cut to:

43. Interior. Archie’s bedroom. Night.

Archie takes down his trousers.

Cut to:

44. Interior. Otto’s pad. Night.

Otto sniffs his armpit and undoes his belt buckle dramatically.

OTTO. Le due cupole grande della cattedrale du Milano.

Wanda falls back on the bed, sticking up a leather boot which Otto clasps with passion.

Cut to:

45. Interior. Archie’s bedroom. Night.

Archie removes his shirt, revealing a slightly baggy vest. Wendy is folder her clothes neatly on the bed.

Cut to:

46. Interior. Otto’s pad. Night.

Otto pulls off Wanda’s boot, puts it to his mouth and inflates it three times in ecstasy.

Cut to:

47. Interior. Archie’s bedroom. Night.

Archie pulls off his short black socks and sniffs them. Wendy sprays deodorant under her arms.

Cut to:

48. Interior. Otto’s pad. Night.

Otto flagellates himself with the boot. He sniffs inspirationally under his own arm, then stretches forward and snaps off Wanda’s black knickers, which he puts on his head.

OTTO. Benito Mussolini.

Cut to:

49. Interior. Archie’s bedroom. Night.

Archie is clipping his toenails with a small pair of scissors. Then he starts attacking the hard skin on the ball of his foot.

Cut to:

50. Interior. Otto’s pad. Night.

Otto separates Wanda’s legs with relish.

OTTO. Dov’é il Vaticano?

He pounces forward on her.

Cut to:

51. Interior. Archie’s bedroom. Night.

Wendy discreetly removes her knickers. Archie, reading a brief in his bed, yawns.

Cut to:

52. Interior. Otto’s pad. Night.

In the gloom, spectacular humping is taking place to the strains of Wagner.

OTTO. Volare, eh oh. E cantare, oh oh…

His song comes to a premature end and a look of puzzled contentment spreads across his face.

Cut to:

53. Interior. Archie’s bedroom. Night.

Archie and Wendy are in their beds. Archie is deeply engrossed in his brief. Wendy is reading Horse and Hound. She sighs.

WENDY. Archie, I want you to speak to her about plastic surgery.

ARCHIE. Hhmm?

WENDY. Oh, I do wish you’d listen to me. I want you to speak to Portia.

ARCHIE. Oh! Right, I’ll have a word with her in the morning.

WENDY. Good night, Archie.

No response. She turns out the light on her side.

Good night, Archie.

Cut to:

ARCHIE. Good night, Wanda.

Pause. Wendy’s head comes back up.

WENDY. … Good night who?

ARCHIE. Oh, sorry, darling, just some stupid case I’ve got tomorrow with some… lousy old hag…

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John Cleese is a genius.

Do you have a favorite screenplay? Share in the comments below!